You’ve made your first budget by using the free spreadsheet in this blog, you’ve read a personal finance book or two (I recommend The Millionaire Next Door), but wait… your significant other is not on board. Now what?
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Fights about money are rarely just about money – they’re about core values
Money touches everything. We grew up with a belief system about money. How our parents handled money shapes it. How we see our friends spend shapes it. As we grow older and have jobs, our view change. Money touches our identity, our work… there are lots of quotes out there on the internet that say something akin to “what you choose to spend your money on shows me your values”, or something like that.
So when you and your significant other fight about money, it’s not just because you’re fighting about money… you’re fighting over a values system. And sometimes even more fundamental than that, you might have a relationship problem.
Money is a top reason for divorce
I have seen studies citing money being the reason for divorce ranging between ~20% (MagnifyMoney) to it being “the most frequent topic of marital conflicts in the home” (Family Relations). For a topic that is such a big deal, it is unfortunately little discussed in unhealthy relationships. In healthy relationships – 94% of couples say that they discuss their money dreams together – compared to only 45% of couples who consider their marriages “okay” or “in crisis” (Ramsey Solutions)
Money in relationships is a big deal. Let’s make it a positive factor.
There should be no secrets in a relationship when it comes to money. Talk about money before you get married
One of the biggest red flags I see in a relationship is when the couple does not talk about money – especially when they are already married. When something so fundamental affects your every day life – might I say, even more than sex – you should be talking about it. I have known of people who do not know how much their spouses make. Regardless of where you are on your financial journey, having full transparency is the only way that this can work.
Start with a conversation about shared values
The first conversation can be really hard. Here are ways to prevent it from blowing up. I often like to start broadly with dreams, such as the following questions that touch on money, but also the values around money:
- What are things that are fundamentally big priorities for you in life?
- If money were no object, what would you like to do?
- What do you envision life to look like when you can no longer work? What is your ideal retirement?
- What is the point of work? Where does work fit into your top priorities?
- Why do you think we work as a couple? Why are you with me?
- What do you think money is meant to do?
There are more questions that you can ask, but the above set starts a conversation that focuses on the big picture rather than the nitty gritty details of keeping a budget or tracking expenses, which come afterwards. You and your SO’s values system is the basis against which you make decisions. Most people adhere to some kind of values system – and I can see it play out in how they spend their money. Sometimes, their receipts say a lot more about what they value, than what they say they value.
Focus on the love
For couples for whom it has been years of fights, I ask you to focus on the love. Do not give up on your relationship. it is not hopeless. For many couples, I know that you want to stay together. You love being with each other. You want to remain committed. You just have not quite figured out how to account for the money component. I suggest thinking back to the reason you got together in the first place. That reason is your foundation. Build off of that – focus on togetherness, on shared visions, on your similarities, instead of picking each other apart over differences or missed expectations. Start the conversation with an affirmation, rather than blame.
I would also consider whether relationship / marriage counseling might be a helpful resource here. Going to couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship has failed. In fact, I would venture to say that it is a sign of strength – that you acknowledge that your relationship needs work, and a counselor can help you train your love muscle to become stronger.
The Saver might have to go it alone for a bit
It is very common for me to see the person who is more enthusiastic about personal finance, tell me that they budget and focus on personal finance for months, if not years, before the Spender in the relationship comes around. Don’t give up hope when you are alone. It is indeed a lonely time, but you are not alone in this experience.
Ways to make this time less lonely include making sure that you share positive progress with your SO. It is very important that you celebrate progress here rather than focus on the negative, because your SO needs to see personal approach as a positive experience.
Try to involve your SO bit by bit so that they can come onboard. In the beginning you may have to be the one creating the full budget, tracking all the expenses, and paying all the bills. Over time though, it is quite reasonable to ask the SO to track some expenses, to suggest changes to the budget, and to do a project that might excite them.
Your roles do not need to be identical
In fact, I think that the people in a relationship should take up different roles when it comes to personal finance – ones that highlights their strengths and makes it a partnership. Oftentimes I might see one person earn more money, while the other one manages where the money goes. Or maybe the person who is the spender, has less control over setting the budget. Or maybe one person loves details and the other one loves big picture. Here’s how it the roles between me and my husband differ (not exhaustive)
Mr. Save My Cents: Sets overall investing strategy, pays attention to international and domestic banking news, consider the impact of economic policy, looks at annual trends in our budgeting, does most of the travel hacking / credit card churn reading and trip planning
Myself: Looks into the nitty gritty details of tax hacking, makes decisions on every day household purchases, oversees home renovations, does vendor research. Sources non-retail purchases via buy nothing group, trading within mom groups, Facebook marketplace, and Poshmark.
This takes time – and you need to make it a priority. Consider a “sexy money date” every week
If you want to make sure that your money fights don’t turn into the worst case scenario – a breakup or divorce, you need to put work against this. Relationships and marriages require work, and this is no different. I recommend most couples have a “sexy money date” every week in the beginning – ideally an hour of time where you go over money to-do’s – reviewing expenses, reviewing the budget, looking into your investment decisions, and dreaming of the future together. Try not to have this money date when you’re particularly emotional or wound up – money talks require that both of you are in a neutral state of mind. Over time, this frequency can be reduced to about once a month, once you two fall into a good rhythm.
So what can you do?
I do recommend that for severe cases, you should consider couples therapy / counseling. Deep-rooted issues are not going to be solved overnight. In fact, in my private coaching sessions, if the couples’ finances are joint, I require that the couples participate in the homework and phone calls together, and that they are both CC’ed on all the emails I send. It is all about being a team.
Don’t give up – it takes time
Remember that now is not the time to give up on your relationship. You are just getting started on a really hard journey – but it is worth it. Sometimes the most worthy things in life, require a hard journey. Your struggle is real, but it also important.
Book recommendations
These are my most-recommended books when it comes to relationships. None of these are about money, but I think that they can help you figure out some of your money-related issues:
This book is essential. As in, it’s the book that can save marriages. My husband and I are both big fans of this book, and Dr. Gottman has certainly put in the hours and hours of research in his relationship lab, to create the observations he shares in this book.
It was interesting in that when I read the 5 love languages, I discovered one of mine was gifts – but I liked really extravagant gifts. Gary Chapman does not address that, and I would later learn that my love of extravagant gifts was more a remnant of a toxic childhood belief. That aside, this book is an easy read, and can put a lot of differences when it comes to expressing love, into perspective.
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