This is me speaking as an internet therapist, with no licensing and no qualifications. So, take this all with a grain of salt. However, I did learn a lot of this over a lifetime of having had bullies as a child, not always having the easiest or most supportive family relationships. Below I share some common methods for maintaining boundaries with toxic people. This is not necessarily easy – this doesn’t guarantee that the relationships would ever get better, but, it does give you your mental health back. And that’s really important
Know the mindset
Your time, love, and energy are limited. Spend them wisely.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor Roosevelt
You are deserving of love – paraphrased from Jesus
No one on earth is capable of perfect love. Don’t expect it from them – also paragraphed from Jesus / the Bible
Avoid, do not engage
For people who just annoy you or irk you every now and then, but you don’t have a significant relationship with them, the easiest thing to do is to avoid. Don’t get roped in on their gossip, look busy, don’t accept their invites.
For people who look for ways to provoke you, don’t let it get to you. I once was friends with someone who had a mental illness in middle school and it was never treated. As that person became more and more toxic in my life I cut them off. They’d try to reach out to me, stalk me, via emails, LinkedIn, Facebook, what have you. It was an exercise of whack a mole over the years to block and delete their messages until they eventually gave up one day.
For someone who chooses to talk to you and still continue to provoke, you can pretend to listen! But not absorb
Unfollow and mute
Sometimes, the toxicity and negativity from other people is unsolicited, shared on our social media feeds because we happen to be connected. The good news there is that you also don’t have to listen to it one bit! Great tools like snoozing, muting, and unfollowing on social media allow you to be selective about whose opinions you’re being fed to see. Or even better, if you’re finding that social media does not have a place in your life, you can delete the apps. The people who really care about you, will find you.
Change the subject
Sometimes people don’t realize they’re being unkind or maybe didn’t mean to be obnoxious on a private matter. The easiest thing to do there is to change the subject. If a person is negative, always change to something positive. Eventually they will realize that you are a rock, a foundation, that nothing they say or do will stick.
You are in control of your value
I only let very few people’s opinions of myself matter. My husband’s comes pretty close to being the top. That is because I trust, love, and respect him in return just as much as he does to me. We gave each other that permission to be vulnerable.
There are a lot of people out there who do not deserve to have a window into your life, who do not deserve your vulnerability. In return, their opinions do not matter. Do their opinions pay the bills? Usually not. So don’t let their opinions get to you. Those opinions do not define you
Blood relationship does not excuse bad behavior
Sadly, family members can often be the most toxic in our lives, and they get away with it by pulling the family card. You have to decide if this is a relationship worth having. Sure, blood can sometimes appear to be thicker, but you can also go through life quite joyful without that baggage and focusing on those who do have good energy – or even, by not passing negative energy down to your children. Sometimes even a bad parent, sibling, or relative, need the silent treatment and boundary.
You can’t change others, but you can change yourself
This is probably the most important thing I need you to learn. Do not ever believe that you can change others – some of you can, but most of you won’t. People change because they want to change. So the easiest is to start with you.
