My husband and I made the fateful decision 9 years ago to learn to live off of the lower of our two incomes and invest the difference. We both also brought $100K+ net worth, each, into our marriage. By the time I was 31, we could live off of 4% of our assets. At age 37, those assets have grown such that 4% of our assets also affords life for us + something like 3 kids. We simply can afford to live differently than most people, and think about children in a different way, because we lived differently in our 20s.
I hope that you can take what you can get from this blog, but also recognize that, much of the advance planning when it comes to children, came years before we had kids. I don’t expect everyone who reads my blog to be FIRE or FIRE aspiring at such a young age. If you can even get started with investing at age 40, you can still be very successful according to this post.
What I’m wishing to impart on you here is the thinking behind FIRE – to challenge the status quo and emphasize the big picture, and not the little details that most people seem to sweat. Nevertheless, the reality is that most parents must compromise somewhere. And there’s no shame in doing so.
Having children causes your entire life to change – and it should. Focus on getting time with them – you can’t reverse it
A lot of the thoughts [advice? haha] on this page won’t apply to people who had kids as teenagers or out of wedlock. I coach plenty of single moms. I know it is exceedingly hard, and to claw your way out, is to live radically differently. And that is hard with generational trauma, relationship trauma, abusive exes. I could go on for a whole post. This post is primarily directed at two-adult households.
Having children changes everything. It impacts your careers, finances, friends, relationships, daily lives. Most people write about the downsides of children. It’s hard to express the beauty of seeing your child grow, the pride you feel as they accomplish each new skill that feels so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
But it is in watching how my son jumps puddles, or tries new foods, or acquires new phrases, is where I find my joy. It is mental, and I have to train my mind towards that gratitude every day, and move away from the negative, almost fatalistic garbage I read online from some people who scare parents and parents-to-be to think that they cannot do this.
Prepare for significant increases in childcare costs if you want to stay in a HCOL (high cost of living) area. But in my honest opinion? If you aren’t the top 1-3%, you need to move.
Many people try to fit child rearing into their existing professional lives, instead of – the career should fit around their families. What happens when you over-prioritize your career over your kids? You won’t have the best relationship with your kids, and they’ll probably need therapy later on in life.
I totally get it – I’m a workaholic. For 30+ years of my life I’ve been told my self worth depends on my career. So when the identity of Parent took precedence, there’s a lot to change mentally. And it took me quite some time to change.
Childcare is expensive, and even more so in HCOL areas where rents are high for daycare centers, and even nannies and babysitters need to make rent too.
To those who say, “I have a 6 figure job and I have to stay in [NYC / San Francisco] to maintain it”. To that I say, okay then, but then be prepared for the consequences of $3000+ / mo daycare, $50K / year nannies [I have to emphasize here – I only believe in paying on the books], and isolation of not being near your family. Over the course of 4 – 5 years before the kids can enter public school, we’re talking over $100K – 200K spent on ONE child. If you can afford it, that’s fantastic, but that’s not the reality for most Americans.
If you are even willing to be flexible, you may find significant savings by doing one of the following:
- Moving a grandparent in with you for a few years – give up privacy, perhaps have some more interpersonal conflict, but save thousands a month on childcare
- Move towards a LCOL area – your income could come down, but usually the expenses come down even more. By moving to Orange County CA I can save up to $2000 per kid, per month, on high quality childcare
- Considering a nanny share, an au pair (less experienced, but they are half the cost of nannies if you don’t count the housing part), and religious building based childcare providers
- Change jobs to one that allows you to set stronger boundaries around childcare – and do not work for toxic bosses who can’t support that
- Or, if you have enough children, one parent (does not have to be the mother) could consider going part-time or full time stay at home
Even if you aren’t expecting, ask around and start looking up prices of childcare right now. Hubby and I knew of the costs when we got married – a full 6 years before we had our first child. Most childcare centers won’t publish rates unless you go for a tour, so sign up for a tour, or ask local mommy friends.
There is a limit to infertility treatments – we’re not god
Both my sons were conceived via IVF. We are VERY grateful that we were cared for by excellent doctors at Weill Cornell Ronald O. Perelman and Claudia Cohen Center for for Reproductive Medicine.
The first kid took 2 egg retrievals and three embryo transfers. The cash estimate would be around $60K in NYC, of which we paid just $800 because of my healthcare coverage.
The second kid took 1 egg retrieval and three embryo transfers. The cash estimate including inflation is probably also around $60K as it was a few years later. I switched jobs in between and negotiated a COBRA bonus from my new employer that allowed me to extend the COBRA from my prior employer, though not fully. I paid another ~$2,000 to continue my COBRA until IVF was successful, then switched to my husband’s plan, as my new employer’s plan was sub-par in comparison.
There are limits to infertility treatments. There are limits to creating life. It’s not us. It’s through God. [I’m Christian, I’m always going to talk about the Almighty in my blogs]. To think that IVF can solve every kind of infertility, is to ignore the randomness that happens in life because life… sucks.
If you’re a friend of someone going through infertility, it’s hard to support when maybe, if you have kids, they don’t want to see you. Texts and emails that say “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m praying for you” can mean volumes. And maybe, don’t bring your kids to meetups, and don’t always talk about infertility.
Check your benefits
Learn from your company early, the following things
- Amount of paid family leave, if any, and how to use it in conjunction with any PTO you already have accrued (you usually need to use PTO first)
- How long your job is protected for during your leave (FMLA protects you for 12 weeks unpaid)
- Healthcare coverage for infertility, pregnancy, physical therapy (I needed it to manage pain during pregnancy), labor and delivery
America does a piss poor job of taking care of women post partum. I hired a doula and I have my Chinese mother to help
Have anxiety around childbirth? Want to lower your chances of an emergency c-section? Want someone to support you throughout contractions because nurses only check you every half hour or so? Hire a doula. They’re proven to improve birth outcomes.
Even in a big city like NYC I was able to get one for around $1,600, and the one I have in Socal is $1800 before work reimbursement (I may get $800 of it back). Save the money on the fancy cribs and strollers, your health is more important.
My Chinese mother helped both times post partum for around 2 – 3 months. She took care of household chores, shopping for food, and cooking food. You can google “Chinese sitting month” for common recipes used in the Chinese tradition, though I don’t follow all traditions.
Both of these choices allow me to heal physically and be able to be 100% focused on my children.
Get on childcare planning early
Some daycares have ~1 year advance wait lists just to get in. Depending on where you live. And the more places you visit, the more nannies you interview, the more you also get a sense of the quality of care available around you. Do so before the child arrives, to get things done.
Stop buying so much unnecessary stuff for the newborn stage
Here’s what I find most needed in the first 3 – 4 months post partum (for later ages, you can refer to this list I made on Amazon)
You don’t need to get everything new or at full retail! Plenty of toys and supplies and clothing you can get for free or almost for free via: Facebook mommy groups, Buy Nothing groups, and local children’s consignment events.
Mother’s recovery (if not provided by the hospital or not in sufficient quantities):
- Pain medicine
- Post-partum panties of some kind (either adult diapers, specially made panties or some DIY form)
- Witch hazel pads
- Peri bottle
- Sitz bath
- Lots of hydration!
- Comfortable clothes
- A book list to read through during the feeding times to keep your mind occupied – it helps prevent your brain from spiraling, emotions-wise
For the child
- The healthcare that they need – whatever their situation
- (if you choose to breastfeed… I could care less) Breast pump and breast pumping supplies (bottles, freezer bags)
- At least one lactation consultant visit to learn how to breast feed for the first time
- 1 – 2 cans of formula (my milk didn’t come in for a whole week), you can also get formula samples by joining programs (dependent on availability)
- Clothing that keeps them warm. if you don’t have a lot, you’d launder more. I don’t believe in keeping mounds of clothing
- Somewhere to sleep safely. This is 100% up to you. Bassinet, baby box, fancy Snoo thing, crib, whatever works for you and is in your budget
- For most people, a safe carseat. It does not have to be the greatest in terms of doo dads, just whatever works for you and is in your budget
- Sleep aids. For me this meant sleep sacks, white noise machine, but it differs by child.
- For people in cities, in lieu of a safe carseat, you’re more likely to need a stroller with good wheels, and then a carrier for the early months
- Diapering supplies (up to you if you want to do paper vs cloth or what have you)
- Blankets
- Some soft, high-contrast toys, but in the newborn stage they won’t interact with a lot, and don’t need a ton of variety. Don’t put toys on your registry, this is where it’s always an overload
- A ton of burp cloths
Get the legal stuff in order
- Get extra copies of the birth certificate
- Start getting the child’s social security number, passport, set up, because these things take time
- You also need their SSN to make them a beneficiary of a 529 account
What to gift to new parents?
- Money. I’m a practical person. Give them money, let them figure it out. Every child’s needs are so different. Some need a lot of medicine coming out.
- Avoid 0 – 3 month outfits. Some babies are way too big for those
Your nursery does not need to be ready at go time. Have a YOLO attitude about it
For both my children, our nursery was not set up until I came back from the hospital. Because, who said you had to? Plus, you may not end up using everything, and it works to your advantage to buy later, because you can return things and get your money back.
Children can be so different, you could prepare all you want, and life still throws you a wrench. So for our first child we waited until after his birth to buy any remaining supplies, and for the most part this was sufficient. And I ended up returning half of the things I bought anyway when they did not work out. Imagine buying things 3 – 4 months in advance and then not be able to return them.
Where I do want you to focus on – not the stuff stuff. It’s the important stuff
Get right in your marriage. If your SO and you don’t share similar goals and visions, you can’t correct it with a child. If your SO doesn’t want a child, don’t have a child with them. As simple as that.
If you can’t agree on your personal finances, that’s a pretty significant red flag.
Plan for children costs. If you cannot afford to even provide basics for a child, don’t bring a child into this world.
Plan to be parents to your children. That can mean many different styles, but don’t assume that some poor baby will figure out how to be an adult by themselves.
Learn to set boundaries at work early – your career can always change. You can’t undo long-term emotional damage inflicted on children because you put work first.
Agonizing how else to prioritize expenses for children? Check out these two blogs:
How to think about children expenses
Funding your retirement vs. funding children’s education
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