** This blog post is not legal advice, I am not an estate planning lawyer. If you have any questions, I recommend that you find an estate planning lawyer who practices in the state that you live in **
Around age 30 I had my first will completed. I was married, no kids, and I figured age 30 was a good time to start one. At age 34, my husband and I did our wills. We were anticipating our first child, and funny enough, the signing date ended up being the date I went in labor, so that got delayed by a few more weeks.
I cannot emphasize the importance of getting your estate planning done sooner than later. I don’t believe that it brings bad luck (one of those cultural beliefs that I think does more harm than good).
I asked my social media followers to share some anecdotes and viewpoints on estate planning, and I’ve quoted many of them below. The goal of this post is not to tell you how to do estate planning (refer to a lawyer), but rather to impress upon you how important it can be particularly from a grief management and financial point of view.
If hiring a lawyer is not in the budget right now, consider at least term life insurance, designate beneficiaries, and save for the lawyer
In NYC I got quotes of around $2500-4000 to do wills for hubby and me. I’m sure it can be less in lower cost of living areas around the country.
I do recommend that most people establish wills, but while you wait, here are some lower cost things you can do in the meantime:
- Buy term life insurance (don’t bother with IUL, permanent, or whole life). These policies can literally be life giving to your family, I’ve coached several families where the deceased breadwinner didn’t have a lot of savings, but the family is living off the life insurance policy
- Assign beneficiaries. Beneficiary designations on life insurance policies and retirement accounts often over-ride a will in most states. so this is a super easy way to “pass” assets. You should be able to do this easily online as long as you know your beneficiaries’ names, SSNs, and DOBs
- Read about how estate planning works. I really like the Wall Street Journal Complete Estate-Planning Guidebook as a neutral reference to start
- See if your employer offers any legal benefits. Many employers offer access to legal documents and legal advice (on a limited basis) that you could tap into, before you pay for your own lawyer
- Ultimately, if estate planning is important, save for it. The money you want to skimp on, as I will show you, is not worth the grief you may leave behind
Estate planning is not about you. It’s about helping those you leave behind grieve in as healthy a way as possible – without fights, long searches for assets, legal challenges, and damaged relationships. Do it for those you love and care about.
“My aunt died without a will. Her estate went to my grandmother.
My grandmother died without a will. My mother became the executor. My mother has siblings that have been unhappy with every decision my mother has made. Has literally torn her apart from the rest of her family. My grandmother passed almost 10 years ago. This has been such a stress on my mother that I swear she’s had mental health issues stemming from it including some dementia. So we anticipate my mother will never settle my grandmother’s dwindling estate, then we’ll be saddled with dealing with it down the road.”
“when my father suddenly passed away in 2018, no one even knew where the will was ( not even my mother who was also in a state of extreme distress). We finally found one dating back to 1990s that was incredibly vague and left no instructions on whether he wanted cremation or burial. My brother and I had a crash course on caskets, funeral homes and the cost of it all in a few days of my dads passing. It was the most stressful time of my life.”
“My father didn’t inform me or brother of anything before his death. I had to piece together his financials”
“Send your will, location of assets, and passwords to your family, because finding your files is NOT easy especially when the family s clouded by grief”
Set clear expectations among those who will and will not receive from your estate, to prevent legal battles
“My uncle is 1 of 4 siblings. Following my grandma’s death he was a REAL piece of work. He cost the estate a fortune in legal fees, appraisals, etc. He was bitter my grandpa sold his multi-million dollar company 30+ years ago instead of giving it to him. Grandpa knew he wasn’t responsible and flat didn’t want him to have it. Uncle tried claiming the sale was legitimate THIRTY years after the fact. Fought every part of settling the estate strictly to be a jerk. Grandma died 5 years ago and not a single family member has spoken to him since.”
“My FIL wrote a son out of the will because the son set the FIL’s house on fire. FIL didn’t tell this son before death. Left it to the other 2 sons. Obviously, Firestarter was angry. Now forced to deal / worry about his anger. Firestarter is convinced that the 2 brothers coerced the father to write him out, which was not true. Man up and settle issues with all heirs before you pass!”
“Not talking to your heirs about why you left things as is can cause sibling drama.”
“Call out anyone you do NOT want to have access to – either your funds or your kids”
“I’ve seen siblings arguing at their parent’s funeral, and they had to be separated by the people working there”
Make estate planning a priority especially when life changes – if you marry or remarry, have children, or face a terminal diagnosis. Don’t assume you have all the time in the world
“My husband died suddenly a few weeks ago and sadly I ended up with nothing because like everyone always thinks, we thought we had time to revise his will. Nope we didn’t.”
“A friend of a friend, they were working on their will and life insurance plan, was getting finalized and waiting for their signatures. Husband (very successful dentist) went skiing, died in a ski accident, hit a tree. No life insurance, nothing legal for the wife and kids to have rights to his practice. Wife lost the house, had to start over and get a job after no education and only experience was being a stay at home mom/wife. They had a very comfortable life and she was left with a pile of debt and nothing to her name.”
“My mother died with Alzheimer’s and her will could not be found. She had never divorced my father, even though they broke up about 40 years before. He was also suffering from dementia and was starting to make some really bad decisions but was technically going to inherit her estate. It was in incredibly sad and stressful, especially as an only child.”
Choose your executor(s) well
“I recommend not making a beneficiary the executor. It puts them in a conflicted state”
“An executor’s job is very difficult. Plan to provide compensation. Your family will lean on them”
“Name an executor – don’t assume that beneficiaries will work well together”
If you have children, no estate is too small to do estate planning.
“I had a friend in who was in her early twenties when she lost her Mum not long after her Mum gave birth to my friends half sister. My friend’s Mother did not have a will. Not only did my friend lose her Mother, she had to look after her grieving teenage little brother and fight her Mother’s new husband for a share in her Mother’s estate as he wanted to take it all given he was the biological Dad of the half sister. Traumatic to say the least”
“My aunt had cancer and did not write a will. She had a blended family. Her first two kids only got $5K each with no other benefits”
“Not having a will left 4 orphaned girls with a fighting family instead of comfort”
“This happened to a friend: Her grandfather and father had always promised she would inherit her grandparents house. Her father remarried and then died suddenly. After his death, it became evident that her stepmother made very decisive moves to ensure that this home went to her children, leaving my friend with zero inheritance. To be cheated in such a time and in such a way really just served to compound the trauma of losing her dad.”
Also consider the advance healthcare directive and living will portion of estate planning
“Consider who you want as your medical conservator (if other than your spouse)? What if you and your spouse are incapacitated? What advanced directors do you have such as lifesaving measures, ventilator, etc.? Who do you want guardianship of your kids in a temporary capacitation? Answer these questions, even when you are young. My 28year old SIL suffered a rare brainstem hemorrhage. Unmarried, but engaged, and has 2 young children, one of whom is disabled. SIL was on a ventilator and then “locked-in” – unable to communicate with us for 2 months. By God’s grace and medical assistance, she emerged. Those first weeks we were trying to honor her unknown wishes. I am an attorney and was able to handle probate court hearings, guardianship, conservatorship paperwork, fights with the hospital when they wanted to stop life support against the wishes of the legal conservator. It was awful.
If this story helps others sit down and consider these matters and write down their wishes before something happens, then I am glad to share our rare, but possible story.”
Some happy, positive stories that were shared with me
I’ve had numerous people – especially mothers – tell me they’re doing estate planning even in their 20s! I’m so very happy to hear that – you can never start too early.
“We did estate planning after our son was born – we had a standing date for awhile where we would go out late afternoon for fancy cocktails (while our nanny was still around) and talk through all the details. Made it sort of something to look forward to 
“my grandmother/grandfather, with 6 children together. They both passed away within 6 months of each other in this last decade. Will/estate was handled by a lawyer they were familiar with, and none of the children were the executor. Everything was divided exactly 6 ways. Even my grandfathers coin collection. Grandchildren were allowed to choose from the items at their property the things that meant most to them (framed pictures, knickknacks, things we’d remember since we all spent so much time there).”
“My dad had everything set up. Down to his funeral. No surprises. This was a gift during grief.”
“My grandparents and parents have all this set up. It makes a tough event SO much easier on the family”
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For those located in Bay Area / Fremont, I highly recommend my friend Liu Shair Law.
